


Why?

by 123456ja



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-06 12:26:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/123456ja/pseuds/123456ja
Summary: He should have known I wouldn't be able to live without him.And now he's back.





	1. Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> Mention of suicide. If you are uncomfortable with that please don't read this.

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He should have known I was lying when I said I didn't mind him leaving.

He should have known that I wanted to break down and keep him for going anywhere without me.

But I couldn't keep him against his will. No matter how selfish I was then.

He should have known I wouldn't be able to live without him.

And now he's back.

I'm not sure whether I should laugh maniacally or cry till I drown in my own tears.

But I'm happy now. I'm happy and I have someone else that loves me and needs me. I don't need him anymore. Do I?

I don't need those endless nights of crying myself to sleep, waiting by the phone in the hope that he would call. He never did. All I had then was the pain and the loneliness. The pain that only seemed to become worse whenever I heard something or did something that was less than depressing. It only made me wish that he was there with me. It only made me long for that all- consuming eternal warmth even more. It only made the reality that I was alone even more obvious.

I'm thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight.

They say when you're in love, it feel's like you're falling. They were wrong. It doesn't feel like that at all. When you're in love, it feels like you're flying. Soaring high above everyone else. You become smug. You think nothing can touch you. You think nothing can shatter your happy little world.

Then he said he wanted to leave. That's when I started falling. Everything started to crumble. All my illusions of a perfect world became nothing but dust particles floating around in my mind. Somehow I knew, that this time, when I fell, there wouldn't be anybody to catch me.

I came crashing down to earth broken beyond repair. A burnt out star, a disintegrated meteor. There was almost nothing left of the former Junhoe. All that survived were bits of my shattered soul, which only served to amplify the damage; those bits hung on to him, to ours, as I believed it was then, eternal love. Now I don't know what to call it.  
I realize only now that he never said he loved me.

It probably was my fault. I should have known there's no such thing as eternal love.

It was never easy. Picking up the bits and pieces that were scattered all over. Every memory brought back the steady aching. It was slow and painful to try and piece myself back together again. I started to think that it was easier if I just went ahead and shattered the last few remaining bits and leave this world behind me. Run away from all the memories. Hide from the never-ending assault of tears.

My morbid obsession with suicide started to become all that occupied my mind. I contemplated all the different ways. I considered jumping off any high platform, but decided it would hurt too much. Funny that I was still concerned with pain when I was already feeling so much of it just being alive. Then I thought of slitting my wrists, but that too would involve too much pain and it would be messy. There also was always a chance I would survive if I didn't bleed to death quickly enough. If that happened, I would have to put up with the pitying looks of the world. In the end, I came to the conclusion that taking an overdose of something would be the easiest. Quick, painless, neat. Not much chance of survival either.

I remember twirling the bottle in my hand. I remember all too well the feeling of the smooth round tablets in my fingers as I slid one of them into my mouth. The bitter taste filled me and I was tempted to spit it out. I didn't realize I had started to cry until the tears mingled with the bitterness in my mouth. A switch seemed to have been thrown as all my emotions burst forth and spilled out my eyes. I felt like I was drowning; chocking in the immense pain. And suddenly, I was afraid.

I realized in that exact moment that no, I didn't want to die. I wanted to go on living. No matter how painful it was. I didn't know why. I just assumed it had something to do with that small nagging hope that he would come back. I had successfully ignored the hope before but now it wouldn't be denied. It packed its bags and moved in to the little space left in my heart.

I didn't want to die. I just wanted him to come back.  
Was that too much to ask? Was it too much that I wanted the love of my life to return to me?

The bitter taste never left my mouth. No matter how I tried to wash it out, it's stuck there. So did the painful longing that at times felt so intense that it felt like physical pain. It felt like my whole body wanted to explode and unleash this emotion into the world. The world that I had already decided I hated as much as it's possible for a person to hate something.

I also thought that I hated him. Now I realize that I was only hiding behind the hate. I refused to acknowledge that I still loved him. I kept telling myself that after what he did to me, I could never love him again. What a fool I was.

I'd give my all to have just one more night with you I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine 'cause I can't go on living in the memory of our song I'd give my all for your love tonight

When he said he had to go, I didn't stop him. I didn't ask him to stay.

I remember the last time he held me. I remember feeling like I would break down from the intense emotion that washed over me then. I felt like I was drowning then too, only I wasn't afraid then. I knew that he would be with me. I knew he would save me. I wish he would save me now.  
It's wrong to think that, isn't it? It's so very wrong to want him to hold me again. Everything is just so wrong. He should have never come back.

He has always had this talent for complicating my life. Back when I first met him, I was a normal, happy, healthy teenager. He couldn't leave me like that. He just had to weed his way into my affections and destroy my perfectly simple life.

Suddenly I didn't know anything anymore. I didn't even know myself. I didn't know I was gay.

I would like to be able to say that I'm not homophobic. Just like everyone else, I would like to say that homosexuality doesn't disgust me, however slightly. It's easy of course, when it's a movie star or a friend or a relative. It's easy to say you don't care that they're different when it's not you. When you find yourself fantasizing about someone of the same sex, then it's wrong. It's scary. It's disgusting.

All I ever wanted was someone to love, is that so wrong?  
I thought that there would never be a chance he felt the same way. Not even after all those times our eyes connected and I saw something much like what I saw in my own eyes; longing, fear, love.

He complicated my life all right, but he also gave me more than that. I had meaning in my life, I had purpose. I had someone to live for. What happened after that, seems like a dream, especially now, after so long.

I was happy. Deliriously happy. I wasn't alone. I had him and he had me. The rest of the world didn't matter. Everyone on the face of the planet except the two of us could suddenly up and die and it wouldn't matter to me. All I needed then was my Jiwon.

I grew to depend on him. He was my life. Even without oxygen, a person can survive for a few minutes. Without him, I thought I couldn't survive for a second. In a way, I was right.

He hugged me one last time and walked away. The warmth I felt from that hug, I never felt again.

I had no one to hold me now.

I had no one to shield me from the world.

I had no one to tell me it was all right even when it wasn't.

I had no one to call me noisy.

Right after he left, there was nothing left for me. All I had were my haunting memories and my pain. The pain that seemed to be nibbling away at my heart, purposely going slow to prolong the torture before I would finally die of loneliness.

Dying of loneliness. was there such a thing? I wish there were. If there was, I would be dead now, I wouldn't have to go on crying to myself while I slowly disintegrated inside. I was a walking, sobbing, skeleton.

When I let him go, I was hoping that he would turn around and say that he could never bear to leave me. Even as he walked into the plane, I was waiting for him to turn around and run back to me. Only that didn't happen.

What happened to all those promises of being together forever?

Things like that only happen in fairytales and sappy soap operas. In real life, when he said he was leaving, he wasn't going to come back. He just kept on walking. He didn't turn back. Not even once. Or maybe he did and I didn't notice, I was too busy wiping away my tears. I thought I saw tears in his eyes then too, but I could never be sure.

I wanted so much to scream out his name then and beg and plead till the end of time for him not to leave, but I found that I couldn't move. It was like a nightmare, as I stood watching in the sidelines, rooted to the spot, unable to remedy the situation.

It would be an understatement to say that I had regrets. It felt like I had let my soul walk away with him. I was empty; longingly, achingly, empty. I started to cry then. I cried and sobbed until I felt like I was suffocating. I screamed and raved and I lashed out. Nothing helped to ease the pain. It just became worse as I dwelled on it further.

I waited for him to take another plane home. I waited for him to call, or to write a letter, or at the very least, leave a message through one of our friends. It didn't occur to me that maybe I should have been the one to call him, instead of crawling under my covers and weeping all day long.

I was so pathetic back then.

I was also scared. I was scared that if I made contact with him, it would really bring home the reality that he just wasn't coming back. It would diminish that small hope in my body. And if I didn't have that, what would I have?

So I stayed away from other people. I stayed safe under my covers, dreaming of the day he would return to me. I fantasized about how I would hold him in my arms and whisper in his ear how much I loved him. After that, he would tell me he was sorry that he ever left me and he would tell me that he loved me too. And everything would go back to being perfect again. Only it never happened.

I imagined that I could still smell him next to me, where he used to sleep. I hugged his pillow, pretending it was him. Although, I couldn't pretend that the spot where he used to lay with his soft hair spread over the pillow was cold now.

Vividly emblazoned in my mind and yet you're so far like a distant star I'm wishing on tonight.

I spent my days just staring at the picture of us. I would take the picture and stare at him and stroke it and will him to return. I would smile, I would speak to it, I would scream at it, as if he were really there. I sobbed, I begged.

"I love you... Come back, please?" "Come home, I need you, I miss you." "YOU BASTARD! COME BACK!"

He would just stare back from the picture. He never bothered to answer.

I knew I was on the brink of insanity, I was actually begging a photograph.

Time seemed to pass very slowly then. Every second seemed to last forever.

I also discovered that I could pass at least four seconds repeating "Hyung, come back" about five times.

All I had to do to pass twenty-four hours was to repeat his name 21,600 times.

Doing the calculations for that could take up at least a few minutes.

The rest of the day I could go back to staring at his picture.

That constituted my pathetic existence.

I don't remember how they managed to pry me away from the comfort of my room. Frankly, I didn't care. I was too numb too care. The world seemed like it was engulfed in a thick mist. I couldn't see anything clearly without it somehow reminding me of him. Which would result in my breaking down.

Slowly, very very slowly though, the memories began to fade. The aching seemed to have lessened. I thought it had gone. I didn't know that it was still there. I just had it stuffed it so far down I didn't notice.

But I didn't want to forget. I tried to cling to the memories as best as I could. They were all I had. They were all that was left of me and him. They were all that was left of a time when they were an "us".

Now I wonder, was there ever an us?

We had something, but was it really all we made it out to be?

He never said he love me.

He said he wouldn't leave me, but he never said he loved me.

He said that he would drown without me, but he never said he loved me.

He left, without ever saying he loved me.

Was there ever an us?

Even if the love I thought we had was only a fiction in my imagination, I want to go back to that time, I want to keep on repeating that same day. Over and over again.

If it was a dream, God, why did you ever wake me up?

They wouldn't let me think of him. They didn't say anything but I could see it in their eyes, I could hear it in their voices, they pitied me. They thought I was a poor, misguided fool. They weren't very far off from the truth.

After all, only a fool would let his life walk away from him.

They forced me to think of something else. They would "just happen to drop by" day after day and keep me from shutting myself away from the world. They didn't understand, but they still did all they could to get me back to my happy smiling self.

I used to despise their visits but I gradually grew to feel apathetic and eventually, just as they had expected, I started to wait eagerly for them to come. Especially him. I had never really been close to him. We didn't mix with the same people, we didn't go to the same school. The only thing we had in common was music. And yet, he managed to comfort me, better than any one of them could.

With his miraculous soft hair, beautiful eyes, handsome face, he managed to wriggle his way into my heart.

There was just something about him that was irresistible. He seemed to light up everything with just one smile. But what I was fascinated by the most were his eyes. I didn't want to admit it then, but now, I think maybe that's because those dark orbs reminded me of him, the one I loved and still love, Kim Jiwon. I could close my eyes and pretend he never left.

I found I could smile again when I was with him. My vision seemed to have cleared and the world didn't seem like such an evil place anymore. Still painful but not so evil.

He helped me piece the shattered pieces back together. He patiently waited as I sifted through the rubble of my perfect dream world.

I fiercely guarded my belief that I was in love with Jinhwan and that I had got on with my life. I did everything in my power to make sure that he knew I was over Jiwon. I told him how much I loved him everyday. I was lying, but I didn't know it then.

If only I had took the time to realize that the gaping emptiness in my soul was still there. If only I had known then that the only one who could have filled that space was gone.

"Junhoe."

"Hmmm?" I mumbled through my ramen-filled mouth.

"Promise me, you'll never leave me." I stared at him. I thought he was crazy to even consider such a thing then.

"Jinhwan, you know I would never leave you."

As usual, I fell victim to my foolish blindness. I didn't see that because I was trying so hard to prove to myself that I loved Jinhwan, that I was still madly in love with that bloody Jiwon.

If only I had realized that earlier. I could have spared him so much pain. If I had just stopped living in an illusion and saw that I was dying -can I use dying? I was already dead then- inside without him, I wouldn't have landed myself in the middle of all this emotional mess.

Didn't I tell you, Jiwon has always managed to complicate my life. He's doing it now. Just when I think I'm happy, -so what if it's a lie, it's better than sitting at home thinking of him- he just had to come back.

He was the one who left me. He was the one who deserted me. He was the one who caused my world to become meaningless.

Why can't I hold that against him? Why can't I hate him?  
Life would be so much easier if I could just plain hate him.  
Why can't I just hate him?

I had built a perfect little world of delusions where I could have continued to live happily for the rest of my life if he hadn't decided to once again, just like he had when we first met, barge into my life and refuse to leave.

He just had to come in and once again, shatter me into little bits and pieces. All those pieces I had carefully gathered and weaved together with the miracle glue of illusions were suddenly shattered into a million pieces again.

He couldn't resist reducing me to a pathetic fool that was madly, deeply in love with him.

Jinhwan is sleeping now. He has an unbelievably innocent expression on his face with an equally innocent smile. Unbelievably, it actually makes me angry to see him like this. Angry that he's so oblivious to the rest of the world. So oblivious that I'm finally realizing that I don't love him. Angry that I'll have to hurt him by being my selfish self and crawling back to Jiwon. Angry that he's in love with me. Angry at God for being so unfair. Angry that everything is so. So. Wrong.

Is it really so wrong to want to hold him again?

Is it so wrong to love him?

Is it so wrong to want to tell him how much I missed him and that I spent endless nights crying myself to sleep thinking of him?

After so long, I finally get him back, is it so wrong?

I'd give my all for your love tonight.  
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	2. Ending Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not satisfied with how the story ended, but at least give it a try??? This will be my last story (for now..) the motivation isn't there anymore, I have this feeling that no one is reading my au's because no one is "reacting" to it, no amount of kudos can replace a warm comment.

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I've drowned in you And I won't pull through Without you by my side

An endless blanket of warm intertwined with a soft brown.

Four orbs.

Two glistening ones.

Two shocked ones.

"Babe."

I don't know what to say to this except what I feel.

"Don't you call me that you bastard! You have no right to ever call me that! You have no right to call me anything! You.. You..."

I couldn't continue. Even as my fists plummeted onto his chest I knew I was melting into him again. After all this time, and he still had a hold on me. But I kept on screaming, I couldn't hold it inside anymore.

"You left me! YOU LEFT ME! Do you know what that did to me? Do you know how much I wanted you to come back? Do you know I waited for you? You never came then, why the fuck are you back know?!"

He said nothing. His arms were open.

I fell into them sobbing.

"I waited for you, Jiwon. I waited..."

Eternal bliss. All I need is this, to be held by him.

I don't want to let go.

Not again.

He pulled me into his hotel room. I didn't resist, or rather, I couldn't. All I ever wanted was placed in front of me, how was I supposed to deny it?

Every time I cried, every time I felt so lonely I thought I would wither away and die, every time was worth this moment. Just one moment of being able to love him and know without doubt that he loves me too.

And it has to be wrong. Why?

He starts to kiss me. Those soft and beautifully shaped lips trailed my own. I had to close my eyes, the moment overwhelming me.

But I have to fight it, I can't let him do this. I can't let him see that I still need him, I still live, breath, eat, sleep him. I can't let him see that I still love him.

I want to say no to his sweet caresses. I want to tell him not to touch me. But I can't, because this is all I want. This is all I need. I just want to enjoy this, even if it's only for now.

I'm pushing away the bitter truth of it all. I'm denying the unshakably painful irony of this. It's perfect. Perfectly wrong.

It's times like these that I wonder if there really is a God.

"I missed you."

He didn't answer. He put a finger to my lips. I obeyed and was silent. His fingers still felt the way they used to. His light touches around my whole body still felt like they had ignited a burning flame inside me.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hurt Jinhwan, I have him in my life right now. I should stop him.

But I don't.

I let him lead me to his bed. I let him kiss me and make me moan. I let him remove my clothes. I let him touch me, feel me. I let him inside me and once again, we were one.  
It was wrong, yes, but God did it feel good.

I was flying again, but it was tainted by the knowledge that it was only a matter of time before I was going to start falling.

I reached up and pulled his warm body closer to my own.  
I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could and decided that I would live in this moment, and this moment only.

I reached up to brush away some moisture on my cheek. I couldn't tell where it was from, my own tears, or his.

"You should never have left."

"You never asked me to stay."

Was that what made him leave?

"I wanted you to come back."

"You said you would wait."

It was my turn to be silent. I had told him about Jinhwan. As much as I wanted to keep him from knowing about me and Jinhwan's relationship, I couldn't. As always, I had faltered under him. I couldn't even lie convincingly.

"I did," I whimpered. I had waited, for three whole years. Once again, my anger flared up. "I did wait for you, you bastard! I fucking waited for you! You were the one who never came back! You were the one who deserted me when I needed you the most. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP EVERYTHING!"

"You never asked me to stay."

"How was I supposed to ask you to stay? You wanted to go, what was the use of trying to stop you? Did you even bother to think of what would happen to me if you left? Did you even care?!"

"I waited for you to ask me to stay."

He didn't understand, I had wanted him to stay, more than I had ever wanted anything before.

"I, I... all I wanted." my voice faltered as the sobs overtook me. He didn't offer any words. All he did was pull me closer toward him, but that was all I needed. When I was able to stop crying -it was a miracle I wasn't severely dehydrated- I started to tell him what I had intended to tell him from the start.

I was still flying, but it was time to take the plunge.

"I have to leave."

Silence.

"I promised him I wouldn't ever leave."

Silence.

"I'm going to go now."

A sense of déjà vu came over me. It was my turn to want him to ask me to stay, even though I know I couldn't. I pulled on my clothes, he was still silent. He didn't protest.  
Once I walk out that door, I would hit the bottom.

"I'm going."

I pulled on my shoes as slowly as I could without making it too obvious. He didn't say anything.

So this was how it was going to end.

He never said he loved me.

Ironic that I should be the one to leave him now, never thought it would turn out this way.

My slow deliberate actions in opening the door also did not provoke any reaction from him. He just sat there, staring at me.

Wasn't he going to ask me not to go?

I'm about five inches away from crashing into the ground.

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

As I closed the door, he didn't move.

It was over. He would just let me leave him like he left me.

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

I feel a hand on my shoulder.

He came after all.

He came.

"Junhoe, I love you."

This time I'm not hallucinating, he really said he loved me.

I stopped short in my tracks.

The only words I have ever wanted to hear all these years but. it's wrong.

"Jiwo ." was all I managed to say. Could I just walk away from him, after what he did for me?

He removed his hand from my shoulder.

The burning sensation from his touch lingered.

One inch from ground and the hands that were there to catch me had just been moved.

It was now or never.

My last chance.

"Jinhwan..."

"Jinhwan will understand," I said again.

I turned around and faced him.

The brown that I stared into this time was the only brown that I had ever wanted to see.

I had to stop pretending, there never was anything real between me and Jinhwan.

Nothing could justify my leaving Jinhwan, on my road to self-discovery I had managed to trample on his innocent feelings. It was wrong for me to give in to Jiwon again, and it's wrong now to leave Jinhwan.

They always say two wrongs don't make a right but I think they're the ones who are wrong.

I've just discovered love is never wrong.

If it's wrong to love you Then my heart just won't let me be right.  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is such a disappointment. But, I still hope that somehow you still like it.
> 
> Thanks guys!
> 
> Much love,
> 
> 123456ja (@evilmaknaejcw)

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by the songs
> 
> My All by Mariah Carey  
> Runaway and One Night by The Corrs.
> 
> If you haven't listened to these masterpieces, go do it! Songs are really good.


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